The Best Divorce Is The One Before Marriage: Reddit Study Exposes Pre-Wedding Red Flags

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Those butterflies before your wedding might not be excitement after all. An eye-opening dive into Reddit posts centered around wedding jitters shows how many engaged couples harbor serious doubts that could predict trouble in their future marriages.

Led by researchers from the University of Missouri, the study examined the candid confessions of people on the brink of marriage who turned to internet strangers for advice. Their findings point to a pattern of emotional conflict that occurs when people face one of life’s biggest commitments.

The Wedding Momentum Trap

When you’re already knee-deep in wedding planning, with deposits paid and invitations sent, backing out becomes increasingly difficult. This momentum effect can bulldoze over legitimate relationship concerns.

“The issues leading to divorce frequently originate earlier in the dating phase,” the researchers write in their study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family. People with premarital doubts often watch those concerns become reality after saying “I do.”

Most relationship research focuses on dating or marriage, but the awkward in-between phase—engagement—has received little attention from scientists until now.

The research team analyzed 36 Reddit posts from people questioning their engagements, plus over 2,200 comments responding to these concerns. Study authors used sought out specific words and phrases in the posts, such as “cold feet” and “left at the altar.”

“In the context of engagement, uncertainty about a partner takes on considerably more importance because the stakes of the relationship ending are higher as commitment increases beyond a dating relationship,” write the researchers, who found that many posters were torn between ongoing love for their partners and growing alarm about red flags in their relationships.

Red Flags and Relationship Justifications

The posts described everything from minor problems to serious warning signs like financial deception, substance abuse, and partner violence.

Study authors say there was a consistent pattern among the posts. First, the person would outline troubling behaviors they’d noticed. Despite these warning signs, many would then justify staying by praising their partner’s good qualities or mentioning how much time and money they’d already invested in the relationship.

One poster named “Aisha” (researchers assigned pseudonyms to protect anonymity) expressed frustration about her partner’s lack of help with housework: “I’m just frustrated because when it is time to clean up, a lot of what he does ends up creating more work for me, so what’s the point of him doing it in the first place, but I can’t be the only one who does the housework in this relationship if we are working the same amount of hours,” she wrote. “This is a topic I am extremely sensitive to because, in my family, my mom basically married my dad and became his mother. I am terrified of this happening to us.”

Reddit commenters didn’t mince words: “Do you really want to marry that? Because it will end up exactly how you think it will.”

In more alarming cases, like “Ashley,” who had to barricade herself in the kitchen after her drunk fiancé became aggressive, commenters were direct: “Do not marry this guy. He did a scary and violent thing and now he’s trying to make you feel guilty for locking him out of the kitchen. It will escalate.”

Why People Turn to Strangers with Relationship Doubts

The research highlights why people turn to anonymous forums rather than friends or family when questioning their relationships. When having doubts about a partner, talking to people who know you both can feel risky—what if they judge your partner, or worse, you stay together and they always view your relationship negatively?

“When the future of a relationship is unclear, individuals may avoid or take more passive communication strategies due to a fear of rejection or destabilizing the relationship,” the researchers explain. Online strangers offer something close friends can’t: honest feedback without real-world consequences.

These anonymous commenters served as reality checks, validating concerns that engaged individuals might otherwise dismiss. They encouraged posters to imagine concrete futures—both what staying might look like and the potential relief of leaving.

When Engagement Jitters Arise

The study also revealed that commenters played a vital role in helping engaged individuals work through their uncertainty. They validated concerns, particularly about harmful behaviors like abuse or addiction, and encouraged posters to visualize their futures—both what staying might look like and the potential relief of leaving.

One commenter offered this thought experiment to a woman questioning her relationship: “Try a little meditation exercise—close your eyes and picture just you and [your fiancé] on a trip together. Just you two. Let’s say Paris. You’re hand in hand, walking down quiet, picturesque alleyways. The Eiffel Tower’s lights are brilliant as it gets dark. The world is a beautiful place. Is he the guy you want in this scenario?” The commenter continued with a scenario about being in a hospital, asking if the fiancé was the person she’d want holding her hand during a medical crisis.

While some concerns were relatively minor—like communication issues or questions about compatibility—others were serious red flags. “Malik” wrote about his fiancée’s concerning behavior: “She has called me stupid (and cursing variations of that) on a number of occasions, and a couple of times even hit me. I think she has anger management problems.”

In such cases, commenters were particularly direct. As one told a man whose fiancée had thrown his work computer at a wall: “It will only get more difficult to leave once you are married. She gets physically abusive—that’s a massive red flag. Which one would be worse: getting married to this abusive woman and spending the next years of your life with her tantrums until she really injures you, or the brief pain of breaking up with her and awkwardness of calling off the wedding?”

Looking Beyond the Wedding Day

Many posters cited financial investments in wedding planning as a reason they hesitated to cancel despite serious concerns. As “Ashley” explained: “Our wedding has been all paid for, and I don’t want the embarrassment/loss of expense ($25,000) of calling it off for one night in the 1000s of nights we’ve spent together that we will likely get over in a few weeks. Similarly, I don’t want to marry someone who is CAPABLE of what happened last night, but I don’t know if I’m over-reacting.”

But commenters frequently pointed out that divorce would cost far more—both financially and emotionally—than canceling a wedding.

As one commenter told a man with cold feet: “Take it from me. I’m getting divorced after 20 years. All the reasons you state to stay together are SHORT-TERM, yet marriage is supposed to be permanent. Separate the short-term from the long-term. It’s worth the trouble.'”

Recognizing warning signs early might help couples address issues before marriage or make the difficult decision to part ways before legal and emotional complications multiply. The feeling of having cold feet on your wedding day has the potential to predict a future that nobody wants.

After all, as the researchers note in their conclusion: “The best divorce is the one you get before you get married.”